A Word To the Wise - Buried in Paperwork

I have been so busy transferring accounts etc. that I have had no time to blog. I really thought that everything would be easier than it has been. I thought naively that since we were joint in just about everything that the transitions would be smooth.

It took over a month to get the death certificate. For all the criticisms of government, the absolute easiest was Social Security. Vanguard was a breeze as they have a special team that handles transfers after a death. An actual human being calls and walks you through what they will send and what to sign where and then when the papers come they are highlighted for signatures etc. I know that we could/should have done a trust to simplify things but Norm really didn't want to be bothered and I certainly wasn't going to do it once he was ill.

I thought that utilities would just switch to my name since we have been in this house since 1974 but no, new accounts had to be made. PGE was the exception there, as a courtesy to old customers I was allowed to keep our same account number.

I could go on and on with this but you get the drift.

The Help

I don't know how many of you have read " the Help" by Kathryn Stockett. It's mainly a "woman's" book, set in Jackson, Mississippi in the 1960's. I thoroughly enjoyed it because even though we were poor we did have "help".

A lady named Geneva who had worked for my Memphis cousins was moving to St. Louis where I lived with my mother and grandmother. My grandmother hired her to do housecleaning and ironing ( remember everything was ironed in those days) and some babysitting because I remember being under Geneva's care at times.

One quite cool morning I was in front of our apartment playing and Geneva yelled down to me to come get a sweater. " No, No, Geneva, I'm not cold" . She called again and again. Finally, I went over to the window and Geneva dropped a sweater to me from our 2nd floor apt and I put it on. It felt so warm and nice and I felt the security and protection of someone that has stayed with me my whole life.

As I've said before , my grandmother,Mimi, loved putting people together. She got Geneva so many jobs that she didn't have time to work for us.

Geneva worked her whole life. I last saw her in 1993, when she was still working at around age 70.

Opposites Attract??

I think if you are married or to be PC with a SO, you are almost bound to be with someone the opposite of you in so many ways. Early bird- night owl, always hot- always cold, always early- always late, order-helter skelter, quiet- loud, fill gas tank at half empty- drive into the gas station on fumes, scientific- arty,toothpaste bottom squeezer- top squeezer, neatnik- messy, collector- disposer. Some people can even handle being of opposite political parties, religions, races. I guess you just have to chalk it up to the Mystery of it All.

March Madness - Taxes and Tourney

Just like the weather, Norm and I always went round and round in March. I always wanted to get the taxes done ASAP because we always got money back and he always wanted to be in the car in the line at the post office on April 15th. When we were first married, I was kind of amused when we had to drive our taxes to St. Paul. Needless to say this amusement ebbed over the years.My anxiety grew because he wouldn't let me help but put it off until the last possible moment. He always liked to be organizing the paperwork while listening to the Masters golf tournament. ( Did I happen to mention that our lives revolved around sports?) More on these opposing forces later.

The other March excitement is, of course, the NCAA basketball tournament. It is my favorite sporting event of the year. We organized many pools and filled in many charts over the years and actually had one of the worst fights of our marriage over the bracket. Doesn't everyone fight about the NCAA bracket? Of course, this year I wish I could fight with him about it and drive with him to the post office on April 15th.

Norm's Jokes

Before I tell this story, if any readers recall any jokes or stories of Norm, I would love to hear them. My email is nomarmuilenburg@frontier.com

When we were raising the kids and money was tight, I always tried to be economical and get my money's worth out of things so, I would take the small pieces of soap leftovers to the kitchen and use them to wash my hands. I always had several small pieces in the soap dish. One day, I was trying to get lather from this one piece of soap and it just would not lather. On further inspection, I realized that it was a piece of CHEESE that Norm had put in my soap dish. He could not even remember when he had put it there, so he was just biding his time before I finally discovered it. We laughed about this many times over the years.

The New Year

The middle of February was always the start of the New Year for Norm because that was when pitchers and catchers reported to spring training. He was happy because there was baseball news everyday in the newspaper and on TV.

We were lucky enough last year to go to Arizona and visit the Nealys who are Minnesota friends who have a place in Mesa. I am so grateful to them for having us and driving long distances three days in a row so that Norm could see his beloved Dodgers.

Olio

On Wed. morning after Norm passed away, I awoke to the sound of him moaning. I was amazed but found it not upsetting. Then Fri. morning, I awoke to him calling my name. Again, not upsetting. I spoke of this to quite a few friends at his service and found that many people have had this experience. Again, the mystery of it all!

Does anyone who was at Norm's service remember the title of the poem by Henry Van Dyke? I gave my copy to Tom, the Kaiser chaplain.

The Oregonian gives free small obituaries but would anyone believe that Norm's obituary and photo appearing just one day would be more expensive than his cremation? Again, the mystery of it all.

Thank You

I want to thank everyone who has been with us through this past 15 months. We appreciated all your prayers, cards, meals, visits, shopping trips and offers of help and support.

Norm's co-workers at Drug Information met us just about every month for lunch or dinner while he was able to get out. He really looked forward to those meals, to talk "shop".

A special thanks to Pat and Carl, Vergenia and John and Judy whom I can never repay, if I live to be 100.

I have to thank my nursing career because even though I never wanted to be a nurse, I don't know if I could have kept Norm home until the end without that experience and confidence that I could do it. The Kaiser hospice team was there with us every step of the way and I knew that their help was just a phone call away.

Our family was so pleased with the service. It was a beautiful day and Norm would have been so touched by the wonderful turnout and sense of community.

Norman Dale Muilenburg

Norman Dale Muilenburg was born Aug. 11, 1943 in Pipestone, Minnesota to Elmer and Frieda Muilenburg. He attended South Dakota State University and graduated with a BS in Pharmacy in 1966. He entered Peace Corps training for Ethiopia in 1967 and met his wife, Margie. He served in Addis Ababa as a pharmacy instructor until June 1969. On returning to the States, they lived in Minnesota for four years before moving to Portland in 1973.

Norm was a pharmacist’s pharmacist in his role in Drug Information at Kaiser for the past twenty years. He also worked at Good Samaritan and St. Vincent’s hospitals. In 1979, he was recognized as Oregon Hospital Pharmacist of the Year.

Norm and Margie are the parents of Andrew and Peter. They delighted in their daughters-in –law, Ali and Tracy, and grandchildren, Brady, Lucy, Drew, Sofie and soon to be, Emma.
Norm was known for his wit, his love of sports, especially baseball and especially the Dodgers, his love of travel and his love of Larue. He will be missed not only by his immediate family but also by his sisters and their families, Marilyn and Stuart Wilson and Myrna and Koos Kryger, three nephews and niece, mother-in-law Mary Beth Powers, dear friends John and Judy Jendrzejewski, along with a host of colleagues, neighbors and friends.

Donations may be made to Friends of the National Library of Medicine, 7900 Wisconsin Ave. NW Suite 200, Bethesda, MD 20814 or to Kaiser Hospice, 2701 NW Vaughn St., Ste 140, Portland, OR 97210.

A celebration of life will be held at 11 a.m. on Saturday, Feb. 19th at The Stockpot Broiler, 8200 SW Scholls Ferry RD, Beaverton, OR 97008.

(The obituary will be published in Wednesday's Oregonian - and also on www.oregonlive.com)

Valentine's Day

It started on Thanksgiving 2009 and ended Valentine's Day 2011. Norm passed away this morning around 9:15. Even though I knew it was coming, it is surreal and hard to believe. The hospice people at Kaiser were all great and I can't thank them enough. Everyones prayers really were answered in that he had no pain really, just discomfort the last week from the bed rest. We will have a celebration of life on Sat. Feb. 19th at 11 am at the Stockpot 8200 Sw Scholls Ferry Rd. Beaverton.

Prejudice

In Memphis at the time, a black person could take a seat on public transportation, but only if the seat was vacant. If a white person was seated on the inside, a black person could not sit on the outside seat. So there could be a bus with half the seats open and all the black passengers standing.

I remember riding the bus with our relatives and being aware of this and feeling so uncomfortable and wanting to get off the bus.

Happy Birthday, Abe

Today, Feb. 12th is Lincoln's birthday. It was also my grandmother's birthday. She was born Margaret Elizabeth Gallagher in 1900 or 1901, depending on how old she wanted to be when asked . She was one of eight children. One brother died in the Influenza epidemic of WW1 and another at birth. Mimi( my name for her) always said her mother never got over the baby's death. She outlived all of her brothers and sisters, which amazed her, as she said she was always sickly as a child. She grew up in the Roaring Twenties and was a flapper and went to speak easies. She married in 1921 and gave birth to one daughter, Mary Beth, my mother, in 1923.

Mimi was a character- nosy- getting the dirt on everyone, loved reading fan magazines. She also was very generous- would give you the shirt off her back. She loved connecting people with common needs. More on this later...

A typical story: We went to Memphis, Tennessee with my great aunt, Kay, taking the Greyhound bus. Children under four were free but I was six and quite tall. I was absolutely mortified as we got on the bus and the driver said to my grandmother " How old is she?" She nudged me ahead and didn't bat an eye declaring that I was four. Next time ..more of the Memphis trip.

The Norman Muilenburg School of Gardening

As spring approaches and crocus and daffodils poke their heads up, I can't help but think of Norm with his gardening hat on. (As an aside, had Norm and I not had children, I doubt that we would have had a house or a yard. )

He did yard work reluctantly, never planting anything new, basically just beating down what was already here. Once, he ripped out a juniper that was in a line of other junipers, not caring that now there was just a big hole where there should have been something.

I never trusted him to prune when I wasn't home.

Our neighbor of many years, Virginia Steenson, was a gardener and when the kids were here playing ball, she didn't care for their balls coming into her yard crushing her tender plants. She planted Arbor Vitae on both her front yard borders. After she passed away, her daughter and son-in-law moved in. One day when I was working and Norm was off, I came home to find the BOTTOM 2 feet of Arbor Vitae branches sawed off. " Norm, what have you done? Those aren't ours," I said. He answered, " I just got carried away." He said the same thing to Paul, the son-in-law when questioned about the event. I think he took all his frustrations out on the yard.

FYI

Norm has always wanted to be an anatomical donor. I found out today that because of his cancer only his corneas could be transplanted. He would not be eligible to be a tissue or organ donor. Two people, however, could each get one of his corneas and have their sight restored.

Our Anniversary Photo

Norm, in spite of having cancer and being on hospice, still looks better than me. He always did and he always will.

Marge & Norm (Andy too)

 

 

Areas of Expertise

Anyone who knows me well, knows that I think that everyone has areas of expertise. I always said that Norm's areas were pharmacy and sports- baseball in particular. My areas were everything else! Not really - I have HUGE blank areas- especially regarding music, many practical things like cars and house construction and maintenance, gardening, crafts, shopping, fashion, makeup etc., etc. etc.. I always count on friends who have knowledge in these and other areas to bail me out. I do not need to reinvent the wheel myself. The wheel is there - I just need to ask the person turning it for help.

The other part of this is the " You can't beat a man at his job". In other words it always made more sense to Norm and me to hire something done by a pro rather than for us to kill ourselves (and each other- remember, painting the room), buying tools we may never need again, for a job that would take Norm all weekend but a pro 1-2 hours. The same reason you would ask Norm a drug question rather than your plumber.

41st Anniversary

How can I possibly describe 41 years of BLISS! Actually Sunday is our anniversary but since it's Super Bowl day, we wanted our own special day. Under normal circumstances we would be at the beach to celebrate but we just had a toast with a bottle of Cabernet that I've been saving for a special occasion and this is it. We wanted to thank everyone for all their prayers and good wishes. We appreciate every one. Andy had a break from school and was able to visit Tues. evening. He did all the little jobs I save for him( being the handiest in the family- which we credit to Elmer(Norm's dad) - we know for sure it didn't come from my side!!!) and Pete ,Tracy and the girls will be up this evening for dinner. 41 years is a time for reflection - in every relationship there is good, bad and indifferent - but I felt it was always -US- we were a unit- certainly agreeing on the major issues of the day and philosophy. Our problems were more mundane- the car- how to LOAD the DISHWASHER- how to get from A to B. Our solution was a absolute division of labor. We each had our areas of expertise ... more on this later.

The Mystery of It All

When Norm and I had children and were looking for another voice to echo moral principles we visited several churches. One of them was the Unitarian church in both St. Paul and Portland. When confronted with the probing questions of the day, the Unitarian response was " It's the mystery of it all". I loved that phrase and have used it my whole life to explain the unexplainable. ... So I think that I have answered my question of yesterday of " Where are all the blog comments?" " It's the mystery of it all!"

If any one would like to send us a comment, please use our email- nomarmuilenburg@frontier.com

F.Y.I.

Many people have mentioned that they have sent comments about the blog. For some reason ??? I have not received them. There must be thousands of messages in a fiber- limbo SOMEWHERE that have not gotten to their intended destinations. Where are they? What happens to all of them ? Do they exist forever, just trying to find where they are supposed to go? Do they finally give up?Bill ?, Paul ?, could you shed light on this?

Sargeant Shriver

With Sarge Shrivers passing I couldn't help but think back about Peace Corps and what it meant to me - the gift of a world view, seeing America through African eyes, the truly "necessary" things of life,meeting Norm and from that union, our family. We gave two years of volunteering but we received a lifetime of benefits.

Too Many Thank Yous

Last evening was our daughter-in-law's sister's wedding at the Old Church with the reception at the Art Museum. I was able to attend and take my mother through a coordinated effort and huge thank-yous to so many. First of all to Matt and Sydney for being such a cute couple ( Sydney looked like she stepped out of " Brides Magazine"), John and Judy for hosting a beautiful wedding and reception, my friend Jan Johnson for giving me a jacket and beautiful diamond earrings, Des, the Kaiser hospice volunteer, who gave up his Saturday evening to stay with Norm and our neighbor Carl who stayed with Norm until I got home. It was nice to be out but I certainly wished that Norm could have gone,too. Again, thank you to everyone. Marge

The Pharmacist's Pharmacist

On Monday, Diane and Pontus, two of Norm's coworkers from Drug Information, visited. He has been a lot quieter and sleepier, so I wasn't sure how the visit would go but he continued to quiz them on the status of different drugs and discuss pharmacy matters. Sometimes, he can be forgetful and ask what time someone is coming several times but whenever there is a question on medications, he is right on. He never thought of himself as a pharmacist's pharmacist but I have testimony from many that he was.

The Bluest Dodger of Them All

As many of you know, Norm has been a Dodger fan since he was ten years old. Over the years we have been to Dodger games in LA, St. Louis ,Seattle and anywhere, anytime that we could go. For Norm's 4oth birthday, we sent the kids to Minnesota and flew to LA for a Cardinal-Dodger series. We went to spring training in 1987 in Vero Beach and spring training last year in Arizona for their first year in the Cactus League In June last year Norm, Andy and Pete had Father's Day in Boston at an inter-league series of the Red Sox and the Dodgers.

Yesterday, on a whim, I emailed the Dodgers Manager Emeritus, Tommy Lasorda and told him of Norm's devotion and current situation and today he called and invited us down to LA as his guests to watch the Dodgers. What a great guy to take time out of his busy day to call us..He said that he will be married 61 years this year( Norm and I will celebrate our 41st anniversary Feb. 6th.). When I said " So, you were married in 1950?" He said," Yeah,when I was two!"

The Yasser Arafat School of Hair Design

In March of 1998, Norm had a lot of hair on his head and would probably have been the envy of many men, both his age and younger, who were quite bald. He decided that he was tired of dealing with his hair and haircuts etc. so just shaved it all off. This was really before the look was as "in" as it is nowadays. Often on weekend days, he wouldn't shave so I started saying that he went to the Yasser Arafat School of Hair Design.

Dembara

A friend of mine suggested that I write about my horse in Ethiopia. So to paraphrase Isak Dinesin's " I had a farm in Africa", I had a horse in Ethiopia.

Several volunteers had horses in town and since I had always loved them so much, it was a chance to get one of my very own. Somehow the word went out and I was presented with a horse who looked as if he came out of the Arabian Nights. A boy charged up to me at full gallop, the horse's tassels flying. I was sold on the spot. I rode him on my off days and one day decided to be a little bold and took him out of town into the countryside. We were at an open field and Dembara took off at the speed of light. I struggled with all my strength to rein him in but kept losing ground and finally fell on my hip onto a rock. Stunned I laid there and finally was able to get up, limping badly, looking for Dembara over a ridge. There he was. A man had him by his halter and I'm sure that he was as surprised to see me as I was to see him. I called out in Amharic that that was my horse and he helped me get back on as I was quite a distance from town and could hardly walk. That was pretty much the last time I rode Dembara as fear set in plus the realization that I was in the MIDDLE OF AFRICA and advanced medicine was not available.

Brucephalus

I have always loved horses and horse stories - "Black Beauty", "National Velvet", " My Friend Flicka" , "Spin and Marty" from Mickey Mouse Club, but my favorite story is a true one.

Alexander the Great was a boy of ten when a horse was presented to his father, Phillip II for purchase.No one could mount him until Alexander realized that he was afraid of his own shadow and was able to train him. He named him Brucephalus, meaning ox-head. The horse lived until old age and was with Alexander throughout many of his campaigns. Alexander named the town of Brucephala in his honor.

Coffee

Yesterday, I had a coffee for Terra Linda and Friends- mostly moms who all had kids at Terra Linda and were active at school as volunteers. To quote from the movie" Chinatown". " If you can't bring the water to LA, bring LA to the water, " since I wanted to visit with old friends and it is hard to get out right now, I brought the friends to me. We all had a good time reconnecting. Many visited with Norm before he got too tired.A special thanks to Gerry, Irene and Vergenia who helped me with the coffee.

MLK Day

When Martin Luther King, Jr. was assassinated in 1968 I was in Dessie, Wallo, Ethiopia in the Peace Corps. I was filling in for another nurse who was ill and had to return to the states. An Ethiopian who worked with another volunteer said that " Martin Luther, King of the Negroes" had been killed. It was so strange to be there when things like that happened in the states. We were expected to justify things that were unjustifiable. I can't help but think of that every year at this time.

" I have a dream... that my four little children will be judged not by the color of their skin but my the content of their character." MLK,Jr.

A Cialis Moment

I don't know about the rest of you, but Norm and I never rushed into any household improvement, be it painting, landscaping, certainly no major thing such as a renovation or remodel. When we did finally decide to paint a room, and gathered the equipment, new paint etc., we were far more inclined to murder each other than have a Cialis moment.

Richard Benjamin

Some of you who are old enough, might remember the actor Richard Benjamin. He was in a few movies, notably " Good-Bye Columbus" with Ali MaGraw. He was married to Paula Prentiss and appeared on Johnny Carson. He talked of his wife's housekeeping but also of her temper. Let's just say that his standards of clean were a bit higher than hers, but she got angry if he redid something she did, so often, after she went to bed, he would do the house according to his liking. In our case I never reacted with anger because I was always appreciative of Norm's "Dutch" cleaning skills, and often I would awaken in the morning, surprised that Richard Benjamin had visited in the night. Since last year, " Richard " hasn't been able to do as much but how I appreciated all that he did in the past, as well as the yard work that he hated, and bill paying and giving the boys baths when they were little after I had "had it". So today give your S.O. a big hug from Richard Benjamin.

A Tribute To Nursing

When I was a sophomore in high school in 1961-62, the Peace Corps was started and I dearly wanted to go. Not having the money for college, I decided that if I became a nurse, they would surely take me. That began my seven year plan- two more years of high school, three years of nursing school and then two years in Peace Corps. One of the nuns at my Catholic high school said to me, " Marjorie, don't you know that a nurse is the lowest member of God's army?" I've thought of that many times after all these years. At that time, almost all young women became teachers, secretaries or nurses. A few courageous ones bucked the prejudices and pursued law, medical and business degrees. No one at that time went into nursing for the money or prestige. It was almost like a religious calling to help the sick and care for people. It was always considered " a good job to fall back on."

While not considering myself religious now, at that time this prayer spoke to me.

A Nurse's Prayer

Dearest Lord,may I see you today and every day in the person of thy sick, and whilst nursing them minister unto thee.

Though Thou hidest behind the unattractive disguise of the irritable, the exacting, the unreasonable, may I still recognize Thee and say: Jesus, my Patient, how sweet it is to serve thee. Lord, give me this seeing faith; then my work will never be monotonous.

Oh, beloved sick, how doubly dear you are to me when you personify Christ, and what a privilege is mine to be allowed to nurse you. Sweetest lord, make me appreciate the dignity of my high vocation and its many responsibilities. Never permit me to disgrace it by giving way to coldness,unkindness, and impatience; and since thou art Jesus my Patient, deign also to be my patient Jesus, bearing with my many faults, looking only to my intention which is always to love and serve Thee in the person of each and every one of Thy sick.

Lord, increase my faith, bless my efforts, and sanctify my work now and forever. Amen

Some History

Often in the past when a friend or relative is facing a difficult situation, be it illness,job seeking, pregnancy, approaching death etc. ,I have called on the Holy Spirit Adoration Sisters to pray for the special intention. I have sent their prayers to people of many religions and to people with no religion. This order of nuns is contemplative. Their mission is prayer. Unique to them is their color of habit,which is more a shocking pink than anything. They have three convents in the USA- St. Louis, MO., Philadelphia,PA and Lincoln, NE. I thought I'd share one tidbit of information from them. St. Camillis De Lellis , 6'6" tall and exceptionally strong, was the son of a Naples soldier. He, too, became a soldier, led a life without restraints,and came to the Incurables Hospital in Rome at age 25, his health broken. There he was eventually converted to Christ. Though still incurably ill himself, he began serving the sick, gathered others to this work, started a religious order, and became a priest. In 1586, Pope Sixtus V gave Camillus and his religious permission to wear a large red cross on their habits. As his order and its work spread, the emblem served to inspire the sick and dying to sentiments of confidence and contrition, and devotion to the red cross became popular. The custom of the sick wearing small red crosses has become world-wide, and the Church provides a special blessing for them in the Ritual. Camillus was declared a saint in 1746 and has been named patron of the sick, of nurses, and of hospitals. His feastday is July 18th.

Just an Update

Norm's sister Marilyn and husband Stu returned home today. We so enjoyed their visit. John and Judy brought dinner (excellent) last night and we took turns visiting and eating with Norm in his room. The next week will go fast with visits from the nurse, physical therapist and bath aide. On another note, anyone our age should at least give the comic "Pickles" a serious try. It is classic.(My friend Rachel Flath encouraged me to read it.)

Kaiser Hospice - Marilyn and Stu

Norm and I are so grateful to Kaiser Hospice for their excellent care and support. Everyone connected with the program has gone out of his/her way to be caring and helpful. Their team approach from nurses, doctors, c.m.a.s, from PT to social worker to chaplain, has been such a comfort to us. On a different note, we are enjoying having Norm's sister Marilyn and her husband, Stu visit from Lansing,Michigan. They were able to go to the Portland Chinese Garden today ( if you've never been- it's on NW 3rd and Everett downtown) and enjoy Powell's book store and now are busily cooking our dinner.

The Evolution of the Chirstmas Tree

When you are newly married and/or have little kids, you dream of a Norman Rockwell Christmas with a BIG tree that you have cut yourself. ( Somehow ours never quite lived up to that with Andy chasing Pete with some slimy thing he picked up- Pete screaming and me worried that he would trip and put his eye out on a tree stump). You continue with this until the kids head off to college and Bales Tree lot looks pretty convenient. After years of filling the water container and vacuuming needles, you decide an artificial tree fits the bill. Lugging those pieces and fitting them together is more of a hassle and with clearing out some things you can leave the tree assembled and even decorated but when it is a problem to get that into the house, a very small tree that even has ornaments already on it can be purchased at Safeway or Trader Joe's for a few dollars. But wherever you are in this evolution, the spirit can always be the same - a generous and wonderful Christmas.

The Muilenburg Christmas

We celebrated Christmas on New Year's Eve with Andy, Ali, Brady,Drew, Marybeth, Pete,Tracy,Lucy and Sofie. Brunch, present opening, kids playing, everyone leaving so Norm could rest, dinner with delicious( if I do say so myself- thanks to a recipe from Anne Fletcher's sister Susie)beef brisket and all the rest of the trimmings catered by Pete-hectic- tiring - fun - all that and more. We celebrated Drew's birthday on Sat. before Andy and Ali headed for home. It was a wonderful Christmas and worth the weight and wait!