Milwaukee more mellow than Portland?

What was Forbes smoking when it ranked the Rose City No. 4 on its list of laid-back U.S. cities?

By Peter Ames Carlin
The Oregonian
Thursday, November 11. 2010

Forbes magazine released a study to measure the relative mellowness of America's biggest cities. Portland came in fourth.
Fourth?
Fourth.
Fourth?!?

No way.

Our mossy burg is out-mellowed by Minneapolis-St. Paul, those passive-aggressive Minnesota twins? Laid less-back than Milwaukee? Out-chilled by the post-industrial, ghost-filled transit nightmare that is Boston?

Aargh!

Ridiculous. Not just that, it's a travesty! A nightmare!

Those corporate-friendly geniuses at Forbes are oh-so-proud of their study's "metrics," with its statistical measurements of traffic, unemployment, natural environment and relaxation-to-work ratios.

But why no metrics to measure the stress factor introduced by tens of thousands of high-strung, overachievers stalking like zombies around the campuses of Harvard, M.I.T. and Boston College? And what of that city's crazy-making traffic circles, or Milwaukee's cheese-and-cheap-beer diet? Or how about the Twin Cities' jolly dance between the deathly cold of its tundra winters to its sweltering, humid, mosquito-infested summers?

And somehow those circles of hell are somehow more relaxed than our cheerful, car-dodging, light-running cyclists. Less terrifying than the free-floating nation beyond Nike's gun-turreted berm. More fun than the record-setting monsoons that blow in every June for the Rose Festival.

The city that raised Tonya Harding, and nurtured a post-adolescent Monica Lewinsky. Where otherwise intelligent citizens gird for University of Oregon vs. Oregon State University games like the Montagues taking on the Capulets. Where the strip clubs outnumber the churches and the higher-than-U.S.-average unemployment has really taken the edge off of the morning rush hour.

Spend a day on our streets, and you'll see: No reason to feel anxious around here. Our aggression is way too passive, for one thing. Unless, of course, you question our mellowness.

Some advice for Forbes: steer clear of Portland. Unless you want a nice, relaxed butt-kicking, that is.